like a snail

I'm fighting and it's truly taking everything I have just to get through the days. I sleep a lot and read and sometimes get washed and dressed but to be fair it isn't often.  I'm moving through space and time, slow, slow like a snail (dastardly creatures) but I AM moving.

Depression has a painful, vice like hold on me and the anxiety is bad too. It's hard for me to see that this period is going to ease off but I remain strong and try to stay positive when I can.

So, dropping in today to say "hello" and to share a few photos to try to show you how Andrew is doing everything he can to keep hope alive for me, for us....

* buying up our favourite verities of seeds (including potatoes and new garlic)
* adding more bulbs to the garden, especially snowdrops in the front and these lovely pots at the back
* planning hikes, which we hope to start tomorrow again etc

another treat

We hope, ardently, that this year we will be blessed some some better weather conducive to happy hiking and allotmenting. I need nature, I need to be surrounded and embraced by Her.

I had my first encounter with the allotment last week for quite a while.

And so we hope...

With love,
Carrie

So now it's February?

January has pushed me hard about, shoved me into a puddle and used me as a stepping stone up to now. I can't believe it's February and I feel utterly defeated. Depression has a really strong grip on me and is pulling down into the darkness. I'm feeling suicidal and I'm scared. Yes I did some lovely hikes (thank goodness for The Ulster Way) and had a special dinner out but basically the pain of life has lead me to choose sleep over being conscious of the hell I feel I'm in.

Detachment is becoming a way of life; I do it to protect myself whilst I spend so much time alone, often going days not hearing a thing from anyone but Andrew. Now I'm detaching from reality even when in company as it is just more comfortable.

Writing is hard, everything is hard and I may be missing for a little while. I will still be on Instagram if you're interested but this beloved blog may suffer for a little while, bear with me.

Hugs
Carrie x