Friday 22 February 2019

like a snail

I'm fighting and it's truly taking everything I have just to get through the days. I sleep a lot and read and sometimes get washed and dressed but to be fair it isn't often.  I'm moving through space and time, slow, slow like a snail (dastardly creatures) but I AM moving.

Depression has a painful, vice like hold on me and the anxiety is bad too. It's hard for me to see that this period is going to ease off but I remain strong and try to stay positive when I can.

So, dropping in today to say "hello" and to share a few photos to try to show you how Andrew is doing everything he can to keep hope alive for me, for us....

* buying up our favourite verities of seeds (including potatoes and new garlic)
* adding more bulbs to the garden, especially snowdrops in the front and these lovely pots at the back
* planning hikes, which we hope to start tomorrow again etc

2019 seeds - Carrie Gault


snowdrops in the garden - Carrie Gaulttete-a-tetes in the back garden - Carrie Gault

another treat
beautiful roses - Carrie Gault

We hope, ardently, that this year we will be blessed some some better weather conducive to happy hiking and allotmenting. I need nature, I need to be surrounded and embraced by Her.

Toby at the allotment - Carrie Gault

I had my first encounter with the allotment last week for quite a while.

And so we hope...

With love,
Carrie

Saturday 2 February 2019

So now it's February?

horizon and shadow - Carrie Gault 2019

January has pushed me hard about, shoved me into a puddle and used me as a stepping stone up to now. I can't believe it's February and I feel utterly defeated. Depression has a really strong grip on me and is pulling down into the darkness. I'm feeling suicidal and I'm scared. Yes I did some lovely hikes (thank goodness for The Ulster Way) and had a special dinner out but basically the pain of life has lead me to choose sleep over being conscious of the hell I feel I'm in.

Detachment is becoming a way of life; I do it to protect myself whilst I spend so much time alone, often going days not hearing a thing from anyone but Andrew. Now I'm detaching from reality even when in company as it is just more comfortable.

Writing is hard, everything is hard and I may be missing for a little while. I will still be on Instagram if you're interested but this beloved blog may suffer for a little while, bear with me.

Hugs
Carrie x