honest truth

I don't know what to do, what to say, what to be, because I'm a mess. I need to get out of this house but I can't - I'm too scared. So, instead I stay inside these four walls and listen to all the noise out there and wrap myself in a literal blanket pretending I don't exist.

Oh a lot of the time I am cleaning, reading, messing about with Toby or sleeping during the working day but mostly I lose time. I go somewhere in my head, no, I go to a nowhere in my head and just let the hours pass. My life is something I wait for to pass.

I want to say that, when it works, Ecotherapy allows me to simply let go and be. Nature is in charge and knows when to do things, she has a rhythm and a force that she lives by. Surrounded by Nature's embrace I feel safe knowing its in control.
But.
Still, the anxiety comes along for each journey, the depression taunts me and often I feel unsafe, exposed and vulnerable. I am in this house alone too much, for too long. I thus end up craving the safety of the 'known' even if it is hellish - I return to my blanket and lock the door behind me.

Yours
Carrie